On How to Give the Perfect High Five

Few situations are more awkward than an imperfect high five. There is something about that slightly stinging feeling in your hand after that satisfying, ear-ringing clap that seals the envelope on the event that prompted such celebration. I would equate a correctly done high five to the dessert of a great meal; something sweet to bring a close to something savory.

While I will primarily focus on the physical aspect of the perfect high five, some items need to be cleared up about the moments leading up to the high five. Allow me to break it down:

The high five is an appropriate event that should follow events worthy of acknowledgement but one that does not warrant some sort of gift. The event in question should be something valuable. More often than not, high fives are dealt out without merit, thus watering down the meaning of the act for all worthy actions. The event should be a true accomplishment - a personal best in a race, a new job offer, a good grade on a hard test, or something of that nature. An appropriate metaphor would be when one first caught Articuno in Pokemon - a larger event than your run in the mill capture of a Ratata, but not exactly catching a Mewtwo (if you don't understand the above reference, I'm sorry you were a loser in 4th grade).

The physical motion of the high five should be fluid and natural. The "fist bump" or "pound" is a failure of a celebration for this very reason - people are stopped in mid motion, have to realize what is going on ("I'm not getting punched - this is actually a good thing for some stupid reason"). Raising the hand is part of our culture now - whether we are raising the roof, putting our hands up for Detroit, or just plain waving, a raised hand is synonymous with happiness. Or beating someone. But probably happiness.

The following is the most important physical step in the high five process. It is a simple yet often overlooked step that leaves both parties unsatisfied with a soft, sometimes zero-contact air wave. Both parties look goofy, feel awkward, and leave that great moment that should have been closed with a clap of joy with a feeling of longing for what could have been.

It is essentially a feeling of emotional blue balls. And that's the worst.

Anyway, the most important part of the high five: looking at your partner's elbow.

Now, you might not believe me until you try it (and you probably will after reading this), but if both partners look at the elbow of the arm that is being used in the high five, the resulting contact and slight stinging sensation will leave both parties happily satisfied. Be advised, however, that the rush of adrenaline and endorphins that occur immediately following a high five utilizing this strategy often overshadow the event itself.

Example - you got an A on that 12 page paper on the historical significance of something stupid. You stayed up for hours the night before it was due writing on it, used the CTRL+F period trick to lengthen it half a page, and found "sources" on Google 20 minutes before it was due. Upon receiving your grade, you inform your roommate (who you kept up by opening Red Bull cans all night and throwing them on the floor in disgust), who raises his hand. You each raise an arm, gazing at each others' weenises . Your hands race at each other, only to have their forward momentum stalled by each other. The expelled energy, in the form of sounds, shakes the room you're in and probably kills a small animal outside.

Luckily, your hands are both still intact (hopefully). The feeling in your fingers and palms is of a slight pain, but also of a slight numbing sensation. The feeling in your heart, however, is of congratulations or accomplishment and, most importantly, the happiness in the event that brought someone to you or brought you to someone to celebrate.